Alcohol addiction can be one of the most difficult situations a married couple could face. Living with an addicted spouse can lead to separation and divorce, and often the person struggling with addiction does not get the treatment and support they need. Ultimatums and threats do not work, and a spouse can become isolated at the very time when they need the support of their partner, and experience the compassionate presence of family, and significant others.
When a few years before a woman in her mid-50’s made an appointment for counselling, she was concerned about the impact of her husband’s drinking on his ability to function at work, on their marriage, and his relationships with their young, adult children. In the first session, she explained her husband had been drinking for 30 years, starting in his early 20’s when they first met. His wife further explained there had been numerous times when she had to call an ambulance to take him to hospital, as he would completely pass out, and she could not revive him. There were milestone moments in their years together he was not able to share with her, as he was too intoxicated to be present.
She often had to call his work on a weekday morning, when he was to hungover to go to the office or accompany him to work functions to ensure he did not embarrass himself and monitor his drinking. There were times when their children were in their adolescent years, when he would embarrass them in front of their friends at home, so the children no longer brought friends home when he was around.
She explained she was seeking support now (at the time of the session) as she felt her life was passing her by, and she had spent a lifetime caring for a drunk, making excuses for him, and now that the children were grown, she wanted out. On the other hand, she felt she had invested a great many years in this marriage, and when he was not drinking they had a good time together, and she hoped there was still an opportunity for them, if her husband stopped drinking.
My client stated her husband was willing to consider marriage counselling, however, he did not agree with the label of being an alcoholic. We discussed the clinical boundaries in working with a couple, where one party is alcohol addicted. In the next session, her husband came in on his own, and with his wife’s written consent/permission we discussed her concerns, and his thoughts about his drinking. He explained he was an executive in a large corporate company, and a big part of his role was to entertain clients during the day, and often in the evenings. He stated he was aware of his wife’s concerns but did not consider himself to be an alcoholic. The client further stated he did not drink and drive, has never lost his driver’s license, or ever been convicted of any offense alcohol related.
He did agree with his wife’s concern about losing his employment due to the degree of hangovers he experienced, and stated he did not recover as quickly now, as when he was a younger man, and this increased his absenteeism from work, which caused him embarrassment in the recent months. I considered the following questions:
At nearly 60, he was concerned about his heath, and willing to speak to a medical professional about his drinking habits. He made it clear he was not interested in stopping his alcohol intake, as it was part of his work environment, and over the years he did not respond well to his wife’s ultimatums.
Further exploration in counselling provided additional insights and a course of action for the client:
His doctor identified significant physical health concerns because of his drinking habits and did indeed assess his behavior around his alcohol intake as that of an alcoholic. To come to terms with his behavior the past 30 years, he had to arrive at a name, and for him it was the willingness to name his alcoholism. His wife withdrew her ultimatum in which she demanded he stopped drinking or else she would leave the marriage.
Through counselling she did lovingly detach from him to fulfill her own goals of stepping back into the workforce, pursue her interests, not attend any social work functions because he needed her too, but rather attend those she would enjoy without the stress of having to babysit her husband. She came to understand her role in his drinking as being co-dependent, and the fears and reasoning behind this. She could now reclaim her own life!
With the support of his doctor, and through counselling he identified his manager as a person he trusted, and we formulated a plan to approach his manager. With medical support and evidence, he discussed his serious health related concerns, and a need for leading a healthier lifestyle, to keep working at the pace he was working at and enjoy a healthier way of being in the world. My client chose not to disclose the specifics of his alcoholism and focused on the positive of changing his lifestyle. His manager and other colleagues came on board and created a plan to change the corporate culture in their organization. Gym memberships, cycling, running, and healthy eating were all incorporated which made it easier for my client to say no to alcohol.
In counselling, he developed self-awareness about his social anxiety, needing to fit in, and the false sense of security the drink in his hand provided him with. We discussed relapse, that it is common, and a natural part of the process, rather than a sign of failure. Understanding the possibility of relapse; that it did not mean he failed himself and knowing his family would be there to support him, took care of his anxiety around this possibility.
The key areas he identified regarding cues and triggers which could place him at risk of relapse were:
It was important to consider the ‘where, when, with whom, doing what’ of situations with my client to identify these potential cues and triggers, and measure his self-efficacy across these possible cues and triggers.
Together with the client we explored his strengths in seven (7) main areas of his life; relationships with his immediate family (wife and children), social relationships, health (emotional and physical), values and beliefs, emotional management, problem solving and work. It was important to map these strengths for the client to have a visual to work from. In mapping his strengths, I assisted the client by prompting him in certain areas, to reflect on those areas, when he answered with a ‘I don’t know’, I encouraged reflection, by staying in the here-and-now.
His insights became more reflective and honest, as he mentioned in one session his ‘I don’t know’ was often ‘I really don’t want to’. This was an important insight for my client to have for coping with possible relapse. He learnt a well-balanced life for himself meant health and leisure time, family time, alone time, personal growth, friends, work and other pleasurable activities.
After many months of working together my clients were finally able to consider their marriage. They no longer wanted to settle for being married, they wanted a sense of being alive, and being emotionally fit. They wanted to become aware of, and interested in each other, and allow each other to feel important and supported. The counselling process for them became about engaging emotionally, understanding each other’s feelings, and participating with the difficult bits. My clients learnt, and I witnessed, healing does not happen in isolation, it happens in relationship.
The word ‘narcissist’ means to be egotistical, self-focused and vain. We live in an increasingly narcissistic world, with a mentality of ‘look at me’ which is often promoted by social networks such as Facebook, Instagram, and other social media platforms. These networks provide a stage for people to present a positive, and often glamorous image to the world. We have been more focused on self-esteem rather than self-compassion. Self-esteem places great importance on the self, and our need to feel special, and unique in relation to others. At the center of self-compassion is the essential necessity to treat oneself with kindness, rather than comparison, understanding our human needs for security, significance, love and connection, and being gentle when we consider the limiting aspects to our own self.
The above is a conversation I had with a lady in her late 40’s, who presented for counselling concerned about her one (1) year relationship, with a man she met at a birthday gathering. She is a professional woman, widowed for many years, with two (2) teenage children, and meticulous about how she lives her life. She expressed concern about the man she was allowing into her life, and the lives of her children. After much research on narcissism, she decided to discuss this on a professional level. She described some of her experiences:
❤ He could be charming and arrogant in social settings, and once home would become anxious and depressed, demanding re-assurance that he was liked and approved of.
❤ He would often be grandiose in his plans, which included how her financial situation, together with his own wealth, could provide a life beyond their wildest dreams. These plans never included her children, and he would be vague about his financial wealth.
❤ He often had unrealistic expectations, such as moving in with her, and her children. When she explained she felt this was not in the best interest of her children, at this time, he would become manipulative, and not communicate with her for days.
❤ He would not recognize or empathize with her needs or the needs of her children and would become aggressive when this was pointed out to him. He would often tell her the children would leave her, and she will end up alone.
From the research available, we know a relationship with someone who is narcissistic, or display narcissistic behaviors, can be extremely difficult, and damaging to a relationship. These individuals tend to engage in manipulative and game playing behaviors, and not likely to commit to a long-term relationship.
My client further explained at times he was so loving and thoughtful, she felt she was the luckiest woman alive. Other times when he was cold, aloof, and distant, she wrestled with what she did wrong. Self-doubt was creeping in about how she raised her children, all the way through to her financial decisions. She felt controlled, manipulated and her self-esteem was crumbling.
Instead of placing the focus of our work together on re-building her self-esteem, our work focused on her self-compassion. The explorative questioning process in counselling is very important, and for me as a counsellor such questions must exclusively correspond to the situation of the client. I devised the following questions to create a space for her to explore, discover and reflect.
❤ What could she tolerate?
❤ What is the dilemma of feeling controlled and manipulated for her?
❤ Is what she felt and experienced understandable?
❤ At this time of her life, who is she, and what is important to her?
❤ There was something of great magnitude at risk here, what was it for her?
❤ Could she identify her deepest fear?
❤ What was she prepared to do, to avoid this fear?
❤ What was she not prepared to do for love?
During counselling and the process of self-reflection and self-compassion, she identified times she felt responsible for him, and the state of their relationship, and a deep need to fix it. She decided not to be controlled, demoralized, lied to and neglected for an occasional display of loving behavior. She requested to be treated as an equal, as a person of worth, and have a relationship where both had the capacity for empathy, respect, honesty, and to invest in each other’s well-being. This request rendered my client no longer useful, and she was accused of being hypocritical, and no longer serving his public image.
Without this truth (which was painful) and self-compassion, she would have taken a path of significant destruction. It would have confused and destroyed who she is, her financial independence, her relationship with her children, family and friends, and brought about the very loneliness and isolation she feared.
In our final session my client reflected the counselling process assisted her to take a path of self-compassion, rather than one of blaming herself or her partner. She was lonely, missed the companionship of a life partner now that her children were growing up and needing her less, and fearful of the day she may find herself to be alone. After being widowed for many years, working, and raising her children on her own, she felt ready to be in a relationship again, but not at the cost of herself.
There is always an alternative…
In my experience as a practicing relationship counsellor, I’ve found some keys methods that produce effective, gratifying and long term results. When these methods are applied properly, the marriage is often not only saved, but connection, chemistry and friendship begins to reform and foster.
The sessions I provide are interactive, not passive, meaning each session is structured to help you progress forward by adding to the building block established in the prior session. To find out more, simply call 1300 001 220 today! 30 minute free telephone consultation!
Ever wondered what the status is of your relationship? Take our Relationship Quiz here
http://
If you wish to take me up on my offer of a 30 minute free telephone consultation click here
http://
Subscribe to our newsletter http://
We can help!
To find out more about our service please call Newlands Counselling on ☏ 1300 001 220
Copyright © Sandra Bowden
Every relationship in our lives, past and present, contributes in some way to who we are in this very moment. The relationships we all encounter are generally those with a parent/s, siblings, extended family members, friends, work colleagues, and authoritarian figures. In this post, I will focus on how a past relationship, between a father and son, impacted on a client’s personal life choices, belief and value systems, emotional world, and relational bond with his own adolescent son.
A few years ago, a man in his early 50’s, made an appointment for counselling. His wife suggested he talk with a counsellor about his anger, and the challenges he was experiencing with their then adolescent son. We spent a short period of time in the first session exploring his past relationships, especially with his own father, who was deceased. He spoke lovingly of the man who raised him, and I gathered he was raised with a strong work ethic, a solid value and belief system, and most of all, a fierce loyalty to family, and protecting those he loved. It is important to understand how the past can frame our belief and value system. These are the very systems which provides our lives with a sense of direction and meaning.
My client reflected on the narrative of his father’s life; he grew up in extreme poverty with a father who worked on the mines, and a mother who worked as a midwife. Whilst his father would be down a mine, his mother would occasionally be called upon to assist with a birth. At these times, there would be no one to care for her son, and she would tie his one foot to the kitchen table, leaving him a bottle of water and something to eat, until she returned a few hours later. My client reiterated his father’s family was extremely poor, and the family needed the money. There was no social security, and no family support.
By the age of 15 my client’s father’s parents were both deceased, leaving him an orphan, and he started working on the mines as a welding apprentice. An old man took him under his wing, and taught him how to save as much as possible from his meager wage, and used this to pay for a university correspondence degree. During this time my client’s father would often go to bed hungry, having had a measly meal, which consisted of a fishcake, and tomatoes, he would steal from a local vegetable farmer.
His life circumstances, and those early relationships had a profound impact on him as a person, and shaped his value and belief system, how he viewed the world around him, and the importance of family. He became a successful business man, who accumulated much wealth over his lifetime. My client experienced his father as a confident, strong, self-assured, and sometimes harsh man, who did not suffer fools. Yet, in his adolescent years my client recognized his father was deep down, a fearful and anxious man, who saved every cent he earned, and never allowed himself to enjoy the more pleasurable moments of his life.
It is important to understand our two-million-year old brain isn’t designed to make us happy, it is designed to make us survive, and the two emotions which drives this survival, is anger and fear. My client’s father operated from a place of fear; his son needed to be strong, because the world was a cold and ruthless place, which he needed to survive. This resulted in my client being sent to extra math classes in the afternoon after school, starting in primary school already. Teachers in those years could physically punish children, and my client was the recipient of such punishment most days.
At home my client experienced his father as a tyrant, with brutal arguments, and emotionally destructive confrontations, which he believed created a resilient young man, with a vicious temper, who rebelled at all forms of authority. My client had an above average intelligence, and could have been a successful lawyer, doctor, or whatever he desired to be professionally. He dropped out of college, and refused to enter university, as the desire to escape his father’s influence was a major overriding factor.
The pattern was set, and my client treated his adolescent son in the same tyrannical way, believing this was the way to make sure his son would survive the world. Not because he didn’t love his son, but because he did. My client referred to this as their ‘generational inheritance’. This contained statements such as:
❣ ‘I must be tough on my son, because he needs to be a man.’
❣ ‘The world is a cold, hard place, and you don’t cry in front of anyone.’
❣ ‘I was brought up tough, and I am fine.’
I asked two questions:
❣ What did he fear most when thinking about his son?
❣ What did he desire most when thinking about his son?
He was familiar with the fears; they have been carried through the generations. He needed to consider what he desired. I knew, when he could expand on what he desired most, that which he hungered and yearned for, is what would reduce the fear and anger, and his life would become larger and fuller.
This man did not need to be fixed, he wasn’t broken. There were parts of him which were sad, hurt, alone, angry, and felt betrayed, and those will always be with him. Sad, hurt and alone, because even as an adult, he felt the loss of a loving relationship with his father, a deep sense of exclusion from his wife, and children, as if he did not belong, and the cost of not pursuing a career in law, which he knew he would have excelled at. Betrayed by the father who loved him, and the relationship which nearly cost him a relationship with his own son. Anger, his protective emotion, which sheltered all the painful emotions, and the substantial losses in his personal life.
There were parts of him which were loving, compassionate, kind, loyal, and passionately protective over his loved ones. Those were the parts of him he needed to put in charge of his life. Where he lived emotionally was the key to his quality of life, and the well-being of the relationship not only with his son, but also with his wife. Change was a must for him, and he was willing to put all his resources towards stopping the family generational inheritance patterns with him.
My client generously gave permission to share his story, and I want you to start considering how your behavior, beliefs and values, may be impacting those you love. We all mean well, we love our families, but when we do not consider what drives our behaviors, beliefs and values, we may be maintaining a ‘generational inheritance’ without being aware. If you realize this is the case for you, this inheritance could end with you……
The smart way to build a family bond and harvest forgiveness…
In my experience as a family counsellor, I’ve found some keys methods that produce effective, gratifying and long term results. When these methods are applied properly, conflict tends to dissipate and the subject family members naturally start to bond and embrace into a solid family unit.
The sessions I provide are interactive, not passive, meaning each session is structured to help you progress forward by adding to the building block established in the prior session. To find out more, simply call 1300 001 220 today! 30-minute free telephone consultation!
Ever wondered what the status is of your relationship? Take our Relationship Quiz here
http://newlandscounselling.com.au/SQuiz2/
If you wish to take me up on my offer of a 30 minute free telephone consultation click here
http://newlandscounselling.com.au/30-minute-free/
Subscribe to our newsletter http://newlandscounselling.com.au/subscribe/
We can help!
To find out more about our service please call Newlands Counselling on ☏ 1300 001 220
Copyright © Sandra Bowden
In the business of relationship counselling, you would not expect to see a marriage you would admire, but there have been a few I admired for different reasons. A couple made an appointment to discuss the difficulties they were experiencing with an adult son, who is struggling with alcohol and drug addiction.
They made it very clear, from the start, they were not interested in ultimatums, detachment, tough love, or letting their son hit rock bottom. These concepts felt harsh and dangerous, and they could not comprehend ‘letting go’ of their son, when he needed them the most.
Their son is supported professionally, and they are prepared to invest emotionally, relationally, and financially to get him the help he needs and wants. They did not come to counselling to seek support for their son, they came to improve themselves, their home and family, and to protect their marriage.
In our first session the husband moved two of the chairs in the room close to each other, explaining he needed to be able to hold his wife’s hand. They both sat down, and reached for each other’s hands. It was a symbol of 38 years together; sharing passion, love, marriage, pain, history, three adult children, and two grandchildren. Throughout it all they held onto each other, just as they were doing now, during this painful experience of an adult child going through his own hellish journey.
As a professional I teach, educate and encourage couples to turn toward each other in times of difficulty. It is an exceptionally humbling, and awe-inspiring experience to be taught by my clients; they show me what this actually looks like in the reality of life and marriage. After 38 years they were experts in their marriage, and this is a summary of how they kept love alive.
LOVE IS ACTIVE AND ALIVE
They were both proactive in seeing what needed doing, and doing it.
LOVE WAS NOT A TRADE OFF
They did not pull back their love from each other when they did not get what they wanted.
MANAGED THEIR EXPECTATIONS
They understood expectations breed resentment, and their focus was on how things were, rather than how they wanted it to be.
THEIR POWER WAS EQUAL
They were aware of, and interested in each other’s needs. They communicated directly, and asking straightforward for what they wanted. No game and blame playing here.
NO FANTASY WORLD EXISTED
They understood the ‘white picket fence’ is a fantasy world, and nothing real and worthwhile exists there.
THEIR FOCUS WAS NOT HAPPINESS
Their happiness was a byproduct of a life well lived, investing in their marriage, and making a positive contribution to those entrusted in their care.
This way of being in their marriage has sustained them through many a painful experience, and will once again support them in navigating the tumultuous journey of an adult child who is drug and alcohol addicted.
The love for their son is active and alive; seeing what needs doing, and offering their love and support unconditionally. They are not trading with their love for their son; he is their boy, and he needs them now more than ever. They hold no expectations, there is no blame; the focus is on what is occurring right now, not how they would like it to be.
They are empowering their son by asking him directly what does he need/want from them, and turning to each other for comfort. There is no fantasy of tough love, or abandoning their son, only the reality of keeping a relationship with him alive, without losing themselves, their marriage, or enabling his addiction.
The focus is not their happiness, or even the happiness of their son. As a couple, as parents, and grandparents, they fully understand the fundamental needs every human being has. To be safe and secure in the certainty of family, being significant and respected, experiencing love and connection, learning together, and contributing to family, and others.
The smart way to build a family bond and harvest forgiveness…
In my experience as a family counsellor, I’ve found some keys methods that produce effective, gratifying and long term results. When these methods are applied properly, conflict tends to dissipate and the subject family members naturally start to bond and embrace into a solid family unit.
The sessions I provide are interactive, not passive, meaning each session is structured to help you progress forward by adding to the building block established in the prior session. To find out more, simply call 1300 001 220 today! 30-minute free telephone consultation!
Ever wondered what the status is of your relationship? Take our Relationship Quiz here
http://newlandscounselling.com.au/SQuiz2/
If you wish to take me up on my offer of a 30 minute free telephone consultation click here
http://newlandscounselling.com.au/30-minute-free/
Subscribe to our newsletter http://newlandscounselling.com.au/subscribe/
We can help!
To find out more about our service please call Newlands Counselling on ☏ 1300 001 220
Copyright © Sandra Bowden
The professional counselling relationship can only be beneficial, when there are healthy boundaries in place. One such boundary for the counsellor, is to not participate in work which is more harmful than helpful for clients. As a relationship counsellor, I am at times presented with a couple, where there is a lack of empathy, and respect for each other. Where one person feels self-blame, helplessness, demoralized, and the other experiences self-centeredness, and self-absorption, often with the best of intentions.
One such couple presented with the wife visibly distressed, and her husband stating calmly, his wife is depressed and she ‘often gets like this’. He further mentioned he had some serious grievances he needed to discuss about her, such as her lack of attention to household chores, not being able to hold down a job, and often not taking her medication for her depression. He explained in detail how he would tell her what to do, however, she never followed his suggestions. He stated several times, how he had her best interests at heart, and how much he loved her.
It is vital to provide BOTH partners with equal power in the session; to define what they individually experience in their marriage, what they thought, and believed about their experiences with each other. The following two questions delivers a great deal of information, as it provides the opportunity for reflection, and taking ownership:
These questions are designed for each individual to have the courage to act on their own behalf, to take responsibility for how they enter each other’s lives, and to be accountable for how they influence each other. We all lose power in different ways, and in different times in our relationships. In this marriage his wife sacrificed to much of herself, and experienced a continuous loss of personal power, which contributed to her depression experience.
Her husband was unwilling to take any responsibility for how he negatively contributed to their marriage. He blamed and insulted his wife, had unrealistic expectations of household chores, and acted punitively towards her. There was no place of safety and reasonableness in counselling this couple. Everything was his wife’s fault, and her responsibility. Counselling was another avenue he wanted to use to convince his wife, and me as the counsellor, that his wife was unwell, unreliable and untrustworthy.
Blame played a big part in this marriage, and there are several possible reasons for its use. Blame is often used to protect individual self-esteem, a learnt behavior, a desire to improve a relationship, and a failure to take any responsibility for oneself.
Blaming others does not actually solve any of the above mentioned concerns. For this couple, the husband’s blame caused him to experience rejection, emotional difficulties, and being disconnected from his wife. His wife allowed him to blame her repeatedly, and she eventually emotionally disconnected from him, turned her anger towards herself, and felt victimized. There was nothing loving about this interaction between them.
His wife played an important psychological role as the scapegoat in their marriage, and although it may have protected his self-esteem, it was damaging the well-being of his wife, and their marriage. The healthiest approach was to consider individual counselling for them both, to deal with learnt relational patterns, lack of self-esteem, conflict, and insecurity. We cannot deal with blame in one single session, as it would often result in defensiveness, and escalate conflict.
When this couple, through individual counselling, understood the reasons for the blame, and the victimization they allowed in their marriage, and took ownership for how they both contributed to the blame cycle in their marriage, relationship counselling became beneficial. Relationship counselling assisted them in establishing loving behaviors, firm personal boundaries, and fostering respect, by rebuilding effective and loving communication.
It is ultimately not about being stuck between two choices – allow the blame or end the marriage, or who is right, and who is wrong. It is about how to increase love, respect, personal ownership, and a safe and loving connection. When the focus became the outcome of their discussions, rather than on the blame, there was no longer a need to defend, withdraw, shut down, or draw another into their conflict.
Relationship counselling is not about taking sides, or supporting mixed agendas, and allowing the ‘who’s to blame story’ to continue. It is considering the relationship dynamics which continuously drives the two people in the relationship apart, and what constructive steps they, and the counsellor, can take to shift this dynamic. Ultimately the relationship is the client in relationship counselling.
How you could benefit from my counselling…
In my experience as a relationship counsellor, I’ve found some keys methods that produce effective, gratifying and long term results. When these methods are applied properly, the relationship naturally transforms into one of more respect, connection and mutual understanding.
The sessions I provide are interactive, not passive, meaning each session is structured to help you progress forward by adding to the building block established in the prior session. To find out more, simply call 1300 001 220 today! 30-minute free telephone consultation!
Ever wondered what the status is of your relationship? Take our Relationship Quiz here http://newlandscounselling.com.au/SQuiz2/
If you wish to take me up on my offer of a 30 minute free telephone consultation click here http://newlandscounselling.com.au/30-minute-free/
If you can identify with this and would like to find out more about how we can help
Please call Newlands Counselling on 1300 001 220
Copyright Sandra Bowden
As a counsellor I am acutely aware, not every marriage can be saved. When a lady in her early 50’s made an appointment for herself, and her husband, to discuss the end of their marriage, I prepared the process I would take them through, to dismantle 22 years together.
In the first session both discussed the many issues they faced in the years they have been married. There were truly happy times they would treasure, and there were dark and hard places, where they had little understanding and trust for, and with each other. They needed a sense of closure to their life together, an ending, and a chance to minimize the hurt and hostility, which could allow for a less bitter future.
Separating and filing for divorce, was their admission to each other they were ready to leave the loss, despair, and disappointment of their love, behind them. They confronted this reality within themselves, and could then share this news with their children, and loved ones. Only then could they make public, their marriage no longer provided a safe, and nurturing space.
When a marriage breaks down, it provides a space for realities to be explored, and the emotion of anger can be examined. Anger is our protective emotion, which covers, and protects our more vulnerable emotions such as sadness, fear, rejection and shame. Anger informs us about our unmet needs. There are various explorative questions I consider at this stage of the process. The questions which brought the greatest clarity for this couple were:
What was the one experience which left them feeling alone and deprived?
What was not available to them individually?
It took them back to their first year of marriage, when they were both students, and found out they were pregnant. Both discussed pregnancy was not in their plan. They were struggling through studies, had part time jobs, and could not see themselves raising a child. The decision was made to terminate the pregnancy. She wanted him to say it would be okay, and they would make it work, and he wanted her to say this was not just her decision, they needed to make this decision together.
This set the pattern for the next 20 years. They both felt powerless because they did not communicate their need to be heard, understood, supported and protected. This created unrealistic expectations, irrational demands, and behaving punitively towards each other. She grieved for their child lost, and resented him for not protecting her, and their unborn child. He grieved for their child lost, and her not stopping for a moment to enquire about him; as if his grief and pain was less important, because he supported her decision. He was angry because of the shame and helplessness which comes when as a father, he failed to protect his family, especially his child.
This part of the process allowed them both to explore the deeper issue of the termination decision they made many years before. It finally surfaced, as it had been unnoticed, and impossible to deal with before. This was the reward of considering divorce for this couple. Once the original and true issue were understood, they had the opportunity to make an informed decision about their marriage. Instead of moving away from each other, thinking it best to work out their grief on their own, becoming lonely, angry, and resentful, they moved towards each other for the first time in their marriage. At this point they could consider whether there was a way forward for them.
Their way forward was one of acceptance, of intentionally considering how they would accept what happened between them, without the pressure to repair, and mend their marriage. They needed to forgive themselves, and each other. They could honestly communicate there was no going back, they would not be a loving, and intimate couple, and their marriage was over.
Supporting a couple through separation is very different from couples counselling. The aim is to provide a new perspective, a wakeup call, and create an urgency to see the true priorities in their lives, and to secure long-term happiness for them both.
Divorce has an alternative…
In my experience as a practicing divorce counsellor, I’ve found some keys methods that produce effective, gratifying and long term results. When these methods are applied properly, the marriage is often not only saved, but connection, chemistry and friendship begins to reform and foster.
The sessions I provide are interactive, not passive, meaning each session is structured to help you progress forward by adding to the building block established in the prior session. To find out more, simply call 1300 001 220 today! 30-minute free telephone consultation!
Ever wondered what the status is of your relationship? Take our Relationship Quiz here http://newlandscounselling.com.au/SQuiz2/
If you wish to take me up on my offer of a 30 minute free telephone consultation click here http://newlandscounselling.com.au/30-minute-free/
If you can identify with this and would like to find out more about how we can help
Please call Newlands Counselling on 1300 001 220
Copyright Sandra Bowden
We cannot grow as husbands, wives, partners and children, when we are not supported, and encouraged, to become independent and responsible individuals. We cannot grow in someone else’s pre-existing desires and expectations. Unfortunately, for most of us, we were not raised by truly unselfish parents. We are often raised by parents who have the best of intentions to love, support and guide us, driven by their own fears, anxieties and shortcomings. We are so spectacularly human, wanting to protect those we love from heartache and disappointment.
The truth is we cannot protect each other from life. What we can do is to love, support, and encourage each other. Healthy, and emotionally aware communication, becomes an essential element of personal growth, and self-awareness. Healthy communication is direct, immediate, clear, and a good foundation for learning to be assertive when communicating our needs, and facilitating the process of setting personal boundaries. Healthy communication is dependent on fact, belief, emotion and need. Let’s consider an example:
Facts: I must leave home at 8am in the morning, to get to work on time. When I left this morning, there was barely enough fuel in the car, to get me to the nearest petrol station. Having to stop and fill up the car with fuel, made me late for work, as I got caught up in the morning traffic.
Belief: I believe, all family members who make use of the car, needs to make sure there is enough fuel in the car, to get to their individual destinations.
Emotions: The experience this morning left me feeling frustrated, angry and uncared for.
Needs: I need to leave for work in the morning, knowing I don’t have to worry about stopping for fuel, and feel anxious, about getting to work on time.
Healthy communication involves the facts, our beliefs, emotional experiences and needs. When we seek emotional support, and are offered only an intellectual problem-solving response, or we seek concrete and factual information, and are only offered an emotional response, we are bound to experience considerable communication difficulties.
These communication difficulties can result in endless arguments, denials and contradictions. Our emotions can become trampled and discarded, leaving us wounded as partners, and our children to repeat the cycle all over again. Therefore, emotional growth and healthy communication within a family unit, are essential elements for successful relationships in the family unit.
The smart way to build a family bond and harvest forgiveness…
In my experience as a family counsellor, I’ve found some keys methods that produce effective, gratifying and long term results. When these methods are applied properly, conflict tends to dissipate and the subject family members naturally start to bond and embrace into a solid family unit.
The sessions I provide are interactive, not passive, meaning each session is structured to help you progress forward by adding to the building block established in the prior session. To find out more, simply call 1300 001 220 today! 30-minute free telephone consultation!
Ever wondered what the status is of your relationship? Take our Relationship Quiz here
http://newlandscounselling.com.au/SQuiz2/
If you wish to take me up on my offer of a 30 minute free telephone consultation click here
http://newlandscounselling.com.au/30-minute-free/
Subscribe to our newsletter http://newlandscounselling.com.au/subscribe/
We can help!
To find out more about our service please call Newlands Counselling on ☏ 1300 001 220
Copyright © Sandra Bowden
Are you experiencing constant arguments which are left unresolved?
Has anger and irritability sneaked into your relationship?
Do you find you are hurting each other?
Do you feel disrespected and criticized?
Making a relationship work needs two people who can communicate effectively with each other, on both a social and emotional level. Relating on a social level is the ability, and willingness, to describe and share the events of the day, converse on experiences with others, plan together, and respond to each other in a positive way.
Communication on an emotional level is the ability to relate deeply, by becoming more open, sharing thoughts, emotions, and feelings with each other in a mutually safe space. It is often at this emotional level couples experience a level of distress in their communication with each other. Many different dysfunctional patterns of communication can develop over time, and one such pattern is the pursuer/distancer pattern of communication.
The pursuer may experience their need for emotional intimacy is not met, and become increasingly unhappy, anxious, and feeling isolated and alone. The distancer may withdraw, feeling attacked and demanded from, and want alone time when under stress, escalating their partner’s need for closeness. The person with the least desire/need for closeness and intimacy always controls it.
– Observe your own communication style.
Remember this is not about right or wrong. By knowing and understanding your own communication style, you are in a stronger position to have this conversation with your partner. You are in an even better position to truly listen to your partner communicating their communication style. By exploring together, you may even become more aware of how your parents, or other family members communicate with each other. We learn from those closest to us.
– Manage your own emotions.
It is vital to become emotionally intelligent, and understanding the messages our emotions bring us. One of the most important messages our emotions can provide us with, is the state of our relationship bond. Emotions tell us whether our relationship is healthy, or in need of attention.
In the pursuer/distancer pattern of communication, one partner could feel blamed and attacked, feeling they are doing something wrong, and conversation can become deadlocked. We know the desire of one partner to become closer, can be experienced as criticism/demanding by the other.
The process of counselling could assist in helping each partner understand their emotional needs, what the contributing factors could be, and negotiate an effective solution for both partners. Contributing factors could be stress, work related difficulties, fear, feeling overwhelmed, and learnt communication patters. Being able to effectively communicate emotional needs and differences, need both parties to be willing to hear each other, without judgment, blame or personalizing what the other has said.
Is your marriage heading the wrong way?
In my experience as a practicing relationship counsellor, I’ve found some keys methods that produce effective, gratifying and long term results. When these methods are applied properly, the relationship naturally transforms into one of more intimacy, respect and love for another.
The sessions I provide are interactive, not passive, meaning each session is structured to help you progress forward by adding to the building block established in the prior session. To find out more, simply call 1300 001 220 today! 30-minute free telephone consultation!
Ever wondered what the status is of your relationship? Take our Relationship Quiz here
http://newlandscounselling.com.au/SQuiz2/
If you wish to take me up on my offer of a 30 minute free telephone consultation click here
http://newlandscounselling.com.au/30-minute-free/
Subscribe to our newsletter http://newlandscounselling.com.au/subscribe/
We can help!
To find out more about our service please call Newlands Counselling on ☏ 1300 001 220
Copyright © Sandra Bowden
At Newlands Counselling our focus is the process of life, and the inevitable challenges you may encounter across your lifespan. Counselling is as old as human kind, as we have sought through the ages to understand ourselves, to make sense and find meaning in our experiences, and transcend painful life events. This guidance was often embedded in more informal ways through our families, and communities. With vast economic and social changes over the years, there has been a significant impact on the way we manage our lives, have personal conversations, and in how we seek support through often challenging life transitions.
Think for a moment about a relationship ending. Whether you are the one being left, or the one doing the leaving, the breakdown of a relationship, in which you invested much of yourself, your future hopes and dreams, is a daunting life experience. Intellectually you could reason your way through the many explanations for the decision, or the many reasons for feeling the way you do. Emotionally you may struggle with the uncomfortable and distressing emotions, such as anger, guilt, resentment and sadness, which accompanies such a life experience. Psychological experiences could include symptoms of stress, anxiety, and depression, as you consider a future without your partner, being a single parent, or having to step back into the workforce after several years.
Counselling is a helping approach which reflects on your emotional, psychological, and intellectual experiences, and how you feel and think about a specific problem and/ or life transition. Depending on your needs, we may consider a psychodynamic approach, which reflects on earlier life experiences, and explore how these may affect your current difficulty. When your relationship ends, you could be reminded of another time in your life when you experienced being left, or being abandoned.
There is no judgment in the counselling process, no diagnosis given, and no advice offered. It is a space in which you can express painful feelings and difficult emotions, and discuss concerns regarding psychological symptoms of concern. Counselling examines part/s of your life which may have been difficult, or impossible to face, such as the end of your relationship, and can create an awareness to the reasons you react or respond in the ways you do. It does no good, to demand things should be different to what they actually are.
Counselling aims to have an honest dialogue about your values, beliefs, dreams, hopes and expectations, and reduce any confusion, allowing you to make a more effective, self-empowering decision, which could lead to positives changes in attitudes and/or behaviors.
How you could benefit from my counselling…
In my experience as a relationship counsellor, I’ve found some keys methods that produce effective, gratifying and long term results. When these methods are applied properly, the relationship naturally transforms into one of more respect, connection and mutual understanding.
The sessions I provide are interactive, not passive, meaning each session is structured to help you progress forward by adding to the building block established in the prior session. To find out more, simply call 1300 001 220 today! 30-minute free telephone consultation!
Ever wondered what the status is of your relationship? Take our Relationship Quiz here
http://newlandscounselling.com.au/SQuiz2/
If you wish to take me up on my offer of a 30 minute free telephone consultation click here
http://newlandscounselling.com.au/30-minute-free/
Subscribe to our newsletter http://newlandscounselling.com.au/subscribe/
We can help!
To find out more about our service please call Newlands Counselling on ☏ 1300 001 220
Copyright © Sandra Bowden
There are many questions in the counselling room. Questions are an attempt to gather information, explore, understand, and set goals for the work ahead. Clients can come in confused, fearful, anxious, and with no clear vision of how to address the challenges they are facing. Then, there are clients such as one young woman, in her early thirties, who presented at our clinic, knowing what she wanted from me; she needed a witness.
What she did have, for many years, were those who observed, and acted, as if they had no cause or influence in what they observed happening to her. Significant family members stood apart, whilst she was being abused and neglected. They stood apart, believing they were independent of what they observed.
When her son was born, she could for the first time acknowledge the enormity of her childhood abuse experiences, and the impact on her sense of self. With the support of her doctor, and a specialist in adult survivors of childhood abuse, my client could acknowledge she coped, and was a survivor.
When my client made the appointment with our service, her son had just turned five (5) years old, and she was aware this was the age her own abuse and neglect started. She found it difficult to manage her son’s emotions when he got upset and angry. What she wanted was to learn how to empathize with her son, teach him about his emotions, and have a trusting and loving relationship with him.
After years of therapy this was a self-aware, whole, and intelligent young woman, who had established a strong foundation of who she was. I was to be a witness, who became an integral part of the process of her building a healthy, and nurturing relationship with her son.
Here’s what we came up with together:
Knowing there is a name for what he is feeling, allows him to feel understood and acknowledged.
Teaches him emotions are not shameful, they are in fact part of being human, and manageable. He learns even those parts of himself which feels unpleasant are acceptable; he is okay.
When emotions get stuck inside his body, he could feel frightened of strong emotions such as anger, and behave in ways which allows him to vent, such as a tantrum. Teach him to breathe through, feel, and tolerate his emotions without needing to act out. Help him to trust his own emotional experiences, and he will learn to manage as he grows and matures.
When the plan of a friend coming over to play for the afternoon is not possible; what else could he do instead? Brainstorm together.
Help him ‘play out’ those big emotions symbolically, for example, when he feels angry, he can put on his lion costume and roar.
My client did all the work which needed to be done, and was now free to rewrite, and experience a new way of being in the world. This provided her with a freedom to love, teach, connect, and create a healthy and positive relationship with her son. Her painful family history finally stopped with her.
As a witness, I could attest to the truth of what occurred, I carried intimate knowledge of the work my client did to change the script of her life, and I was present as she worked out how to be a mother to her son.
The smart way to build a bond with your children…
In my experience as a family counsellor, I’ve found some keys methods that produce effective, gratifying and long term results. When these methods are applied properly, conflict tends to dissipate and the subject family members naturally start to bond and embrace into a solid family unit.
The sessions I provide are interactive, not passive, meaning each session is structured to help you progress forward by adding to the building block established in the prior session. To find out more, simply call 1300 001 220 today! 30-minute free telephone consultation!
Ever wondered what the status is of your relationship? Take our Relationship Quiz here
http://newlandscounselling.com.au/SQuiz2/
If you wish to take me up on my offer of a 30 minute free telephone consultation click here
http://newlandscounselling.com.au/30-minute-free/
Subscribe to our newsletter http://newlandscounselling.com.au/subscribe/
We can help!
To find out more about our service please call Newlands Counselling on ☏ 1300 001 220
Copyright © Sandra Bowden