SURVIVING NARCISSISTIC BEHAVIOUR IN A RELATIONSHIP
Sandra Bowden 19/02/2018
The word ‘narcissist’ means to be egotistical, self-focused and vain. We live in an increasingly narcissistic world, with a mentality of ‘look at me’ which is often promoted by social networks such as Facebook, Instagram, and other social media platforms. These networks provide a stage for people to present a positive, and often glamorous image to the world. We have been more focused on self-esteem rather than self-compassion. Self-esteem places great importance on the self, and our need to feel special, and unique in relation to others. At the center of self-compassion is the essential necessity to treat oneself with kindness, rather than comparison, understanding our human needs for security, significance, love and connection, and being gentle when we consider the limiting aspects to our own self.
The above is a conversation I had with a lady in her late 40’s, who presented for counselling concerned about her one (1) year relationship, with a man she met at a birthday gathering. She is a professional woman, widowed for many years, with two (2) teenage children, and meticulous about how she lives her life. She expressed concern about the man she was allowing into her life, and the lives of her children. After much research on narcissism, she decided to discuss this on a professional level. She described some of her experiences:
❤ He could be charming and arrogant in social settings, and once home would become anxious and depressed, demanding re-assurance that he was liked and approved of.
❤ He would often be grandiose in his plans, which included how her financial situation, together with his own wealth, could provide a life beyond their wildest dreams. These plans never included her children, and he would be vague about his financial wealth.
❤ He often had unrealistic expectations, such as moving in with her, and her children. When she explained she felt this was not in the best interest of her children, at this time, he would become manipulative, and not communicate with her for days.
❤ He would not recognize or empathize with her needs or the needs of her children and would become aggressive when this was pointed out to him. He would often tell her the children would leave her, and she will end up alone.
From the research available, we know a relationship with someone who is narcissistic, or display narcissistic behaviors, can be extremely difficult, and damaging to a relationship. These individuals tend to engage in manipulative and game playing behaviors, and not likely to commit to a long-term relationship.
My client further explained at times he was so loving and thoughtful, she felt she was the luckiest woman alive. Other times when he was cold, aloof, and distant, she wrestled with what she did wrong. Self-doubt was creeping in about how she raised her children, all the way through to her financial decisions. She felt controlled, manipulated and her self-esteem was crumbling.
Instead of placing the focus of our work together on re-building her self-esteem, our work focused on her self-compassion. The explorative questioning process in counselling is very important, and for me as a counsellor such questions must exclusively correspond to the situation of the client. I devised the following questions to create a space for her to explore, discover and reflect.
❤ What could she tolerate?
❤ What is the dilemma of feeling controlled and manipulated for her?
❤ Is what she felt and experienced understandable?
❤ At this time of her life, who is she, and what is important to her?
❤ There was something of great magnitude at risk here, what was it for her?
❤ Could she identify her deepest fear?
❤ What was she prepared to do, to avoid this fear?
❤ What was she not prepared to do for love?
During counselling and the process of self-reflection and self-compassion, she identified times she felt responsible for him, and the state of their relationship, and a deep need to fix it. She decided not to be controlled, demoralized, lied to and neglected for an occasional display of loving behavior. She requested to be treated as an equal, as a person of worth, and have a relationship where both had the capacity for empathy, respect, honesty, and to invest in each other’s well-being. This request rendered my client no longer useful, and she was accused of being hypocritical, and no longer serving his public image.
Without this truth (which was painful) and self-compassion, she would have taken a path of significant destruction. It would have confused and destroyed who she is, her financial independence, her relationship with her children, family and friends, and brought about the very loneliness and isolation she feared.
In our final session my client reflected the counselling process assisted her to take a path of self-compassion, rather than one of blaming herself or her partner. She was lonely, missed the companionship of a life partner now that her children were growing up and needing her less, and fearful of the day she may find herself to be alone. After being widowed for many years, working, and raising her children on her own, she felt ready to be in a relationship again, but not at the cost of herself.
There is always an alternative…
In my experience as a practicing relationship counsellor, I’ve found some keys methods that produce effective, gratifying and long term results. When these methods are applied properly, the marriage is often not only saved, but connection, chemistry and friendship begins to reform and foster.
The sessions I provide are interactive, not passive, meaning each session is structured to help you progress forward by adding to the building block established in the prior session. To find out more, simply call 1300 001 220 today! 30 minute free telephone consultation!
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